The Bachelorette recap: Crazy ex-boyfriend

This week on The Bachelorette, Jenn learned that there’s a fine line between “romantic gesture” and “unhinged behavior.”

Let’s recap!

Part four of Jenn’s “journey” begins in Auckland, New Zealand, a ridiculously gorgeous city in an even more beautiful country. Despite the glorious surroundings, Sam M. is still — still! — complaining about Devin. “Best case scenario, Jenn makes an appearance,” says Sam M., as he and the remaining men enjoy some drinks and appetizers at an outdoor restaurant. “Worst case scenario, I have to look at Devin all day.”

Is it me, rose lovers, or is Sam M.’s fixation on Devin sounding less and less like antagonism and more and more like infatuation? Come on, bro! It’s 2024! It’s okay to admit that you’re in love with another man. And if you’re not, maybe you should just shut the f--- up about him.

Devin, however, is keeping things in proper perspective. “I’m not going to let anything that I can’t control bother me,” he says. “I feel pretty confident about my connection with Jenn.”

Elsewhere in Auckland, Jenn has joined host Jesse Palmer for a check-in chat. But first, the host has something to confess: He is the reason producers no longer allow contestants and leads to eat during dates. “On my season, I was scarfing the food down on every single date. Trying to have this serious, heartfelt conversation, just literally talking through the food,” admits Palmer, as a picture-in-picture montage of Bachelor Jesse stuffing his face and talking with his mouth full plays in the corner of the screen.

“I think after that, they had to stop doing it," adds Palmer. "I essentially ruined it for everybody.”

Everybody but the viewers at home, Jesse. We don’t want to listen to people chewing. It’s bad enough that we have to endure all those slurpy kissing noises. Thank you for your service, sir.

With that, Jenn heads off to surprise the guys — and pick up the lucky recipient of the week’s first one-on-one date. Congrats to:

Oh. Blech. I rescind my congrats. Jenn and Sam M. make their way to the top of the Sky Tower, where they will enjoy 360 views of the city — and, the Bachelorette hopes, some “deeper” conversations. As you may recall, rose lovers, most of their “conversations” to date have involved face-sucking and groping. In fact, when Sam M. says he doesn’t consider this their first date, Jenn jokes, “When was our first date? The couch?”

As they’re talking, two people in jumpsuits zoom past the window attached to bungee cords. Surely you didn’t think producers would send their acrophobic lead into a tall structure without making her jump off! A nice waiter arrives and informs the duo that they can either bungee jump off the tower or enjoy a harnessed walk around the perimeter. “A walk sounds lovely,” says Jenn — but she is quickly contradicted by her date. “No,” says Sam M. “We would like to jump.”

Oh, HELL to the no. Rose lovers, I’ve been recapping the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise for [redacted] years, and I don’t think I’ve ever hated a contestant as much as I hate Sam M. in this moment. (Maybe I hated Bentley from Ashley’s season more — but it’s close.)

The Bachelorette also does NOT love it. “Excuse me! This is a two-person decision,” she snaps. “You think you can just make the decision for me to jump?” Sam M. says he’s normally “not like that” (LOL) but today, he’s being a controlling, patronizing jerk for her own good. “Fifty years from now, you’ll be able to look back and be like, ‘Damn, I’m glad I jumped off that [building],’” he says.

Though his date keeps insisting she will not jump, Captain Clueless tries to make her raise a toast “to growth.” Jenn says she’s “frustrated” and “annoyed” with Sam M., who is clearly not “reading” the room or her emotions. “I don’t think you understand that I’m actually unhappy,” she says. “I don’t want to do this, and I need a little bit more than just, ‘Oh, you’re going to do it.’”  

Eventually, Sam M. relents — or pretends to. “Let’s just go on a walk then,” he says. But his plan remains the same. “At the end of the day, I want her to be comfortable, but I also want her to be comfortable being uncomfortable,” he explains, adding, “At the end of it, she’ll be happy that she did it.” Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Not only does this man think it’s okay to dictate what Jenn is going to do, he also is totally fine with dictating how she’s going to feel. You, sir, can f--- allllll the way off.

Once Sam and Jenn get all geared up in their jumpsuits and harnesses, the Bachelorette inches out onto the Sky Walk to get a feel for it as she decides whether or not to do the actual jump. “If I don’t get the support from Sam, I won’t be jumping today,” she says. Hear that, you jackass? Maybe it’s time to do more than just laugh and smirk at Jenn for being scared.

“I hate this,” says Jenn. “This is worse than skydiving.” The Bachelorette feels “isolated and alone” in her sheer terror, thanks to her obnoxious date. “He’s not wanting to really be there for me,” she complains. “He’s just in this for himself.”

For the love of all that’s holy, Jenn, if Sam M. is being this much of an asshat now — on your literal first date — can you imagine how bad he’ll be in an actual relationship? Abort! Abort now!

Just as I was beginning to think Jenn would wise up and send Sam M. packing, he finally figures out that she’s really upset. “Don’t do it,” he says quietly, as Jenn cries into his chest. “Don’t worry about it.”

For all of us watching, Sam’s belated gesture of understanding is too little, too late. But sadly, it’s enough for Jenn. I fully believe that our Bachelorette knows, deep down, that this jerk is a walking red flag, but she’s simply not yet ready to admit it to herself. Cut to:

Oh, for the love of all that’s holy. Now Sam M. will get to lord his “I told you so” energy over Jenn for the rest of their time together. Gross.

At dinner, Sam M. knows he needs to Open Up™ — but his version of being “vulnerable” is just letting Jenn do most of the talking and then telling her exactly what she wants to hear. For example:

“I’m afraid of someone not wanting to work at [a relationship],” says Jenn.
“I would never stop working,” answers Sam M.

Or how about this, when Jenn talks about how her parents’ dysfunctional relationship damaged her self-esteem:

“Because of that, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of true love,” says Jenn.
“You’re worthy. You deserve it,” whispers Sam M.

And so on and so forth. To be fair, Sam M. does reveal some of his past “trauma” — specifically, learning that his former fiancée was in love with another guy — but something tells me that if you asked Sam M.’s ex what happened, her version of the story would be very different. Jenn buys it all, though. And you know what that means, rose lovers:

Whatever, Sam M. Enjoy your victory. I refuse to believe that it will be anything but temporary. On to the group date!

Spencer, Marcus, Grant, John M., Austin, Jonathon, Dylan, Thomas, Jeremy, and Sam N. meet Jenn at North Harbour Stadium, where they’ll engage in a little friendly competition on the rugby field. But first, a traditional Māori ceremony known as the Haka!

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Now that the guys are all fired up, they’re greeted by Caleb Clarke, Ofa Tu’ungafasi, and Stacey Waaka, players on New Zealand’s All Black rugby team. “Rugby, much like love, is a sport that requires a lot of passion, a lot of toughness,” says Tu’ungafasi. “Today, we’re here to support Jenn, and to help separate the boys from the men.”

Sam N. is determined to fall into the latter category. He keeps sidling up to Jenn and making flirty conversation — at least, he’s trying to flirt — and at one point he picks her up and pretends to carry her off the field. Jenn plays along, but she’s more tolerating than enjoying Sam N.’s attentions.  

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

Come on, boys. You know producers are not going to let you leave until you have another fight on camera, so just get to it already.

“What’s your deal with me?” Sam M. grunts.

“I don’t have a deal with you,” Devin replies. “I really don’t.” Sam M. keeps pushing, claiming — very falsely — that he doesn’t talk about Devin because he doesn’t care about him. God, what I would give to have a PA wheel a TV on an AV cart into the room right now and start playing footage of Sam M. talking non-stop about Devin.

They argue back and forth — “I don’t respect you!” “I don’t respect you, either!” — and Devin rightly points out that he has never complained that Sam M. doesn’t talk to him. He simply can’t tolerate Sam M. talking so much s--- about him unprompted. They end their conversation as they began: In stony, uncomfortable silence.

Enough of this nonsense! Let’s watch some men injure themselves for “love” in The Bachelorette’s Rugby Royale! Palmer helpfully explains the rules of rugby, but he needn’t have bothered. We’re just here for the slow-mo tackles and (minor) injuries. “It’s a lot more competitive than I thought it would be,” notes Spencer, as we watch Sam N. execute tackle after tackle. “Sam’s come out her to try to prove something to Jenn.” He’s not wrong. Just look at the back of Sam’s jersey:

“Manifestation, baby!” he hollers to the Bachelorette. (That’s one word for it, I suppose.) After a “nail-biter” of a match (Palmer’s words), the blue team — Sam N., Austin, John, Grant, and Marcus — earn the W, 10 points to 5.

Fortunately, everybody gets to attend the afterparty. I hate those “losers go home” dates. The more men, the more drama, after all — especially with the Love Virgin being so extra. On the way to the afterparty, Sam N. walks ahead of everyone, hoisting the rugby trophy like he was the “sole provider of the win,” grouses Jonathon. “Sam N. is rubbing people the wrong way. He’s rubbing me the wrong way, in particular.”

Even polite-to-a-fault Marcus is starting to get annoyed. “Will you just check yourself real quick, dude?” he whisper-yells at Sam N., when the latter tries to crowd him on the couch. Marcus then winks conspiratorially at Jonathon, who LOVES it.

Rather than checking himself, though, Sam N. decides to wreck himself — by stealing Jenn for a one-on-one chat first. “Now we know why he was walking fast,” jokes Jeremy.

The Love Virgin’s goal, in case you were wondering, is to get the date rose and his first kiss from Jenn. His plan? Step one: Give Jenn a jersey with “Sam’s Wife” written on the back. Step two: Declare that he is “dead set” on proposing to her. Step three: Keep saying “boss bitch energy.” Unfortunately for Sam N., their chat ends with a friend-zone hug.

But he’s not undeterred: “When I do get the group date rose, I might go in for that kiss.” Dare to dream, buddy!

Back in the holding pen, Grant gently urges Sam N. to stop being a douchebag. “I’m proud of you for what you did today,” says Grant. “But when you win, you handle things with grace.” Then Spencer pipes up and informs Sam N. that there’s “a fine line between doing everything for Jenn and just being disrespectful,” adding, “you just don’t carry yourself like an adult.”

The Love Virgin insists that he’s just focusing on the One True Priority, which is Jenn — and that nothing else matters. “What do you want me to say right now?” he snaps. Jonathon suggests that he “not say a word,” so Sam N. gets up and walks away.

Marcus — who apparently “wrecked” his shoulder during the match — sits down with Jenn next, but he keeps insisting he’s okay. “I just don’t want anyone to feel bad for me,” says the Army Ranger Veteran. “Maybe I’m just asking for a little room right now.” The Bachelorette reminds him that he doesn’t always have to be strong, and they embrace.

Rose lovers, I’m starting to think these two are endgame. Am I alone?

Uh-oh. What’s happening in the holding pen? Is that Sam M.’s Suck-Up Sidekick pulling Sam N. to the side for a talking-to? Man, Thomas really loves to play emotional hall monitor.

To be fair, Thomas can’t really get a word in other than “Listen, bro,” because Sam N. immediately starts berating him about how he should be talking to Jenn instead. I mean, he’s not wrong, but neither are the guys when they ask Sam N. to treat them all with respect. The Sidekick brushes it off and quotes his idol, Sam M.: “I’m gonna keep the main thing the main thing. I know what Jenn wants, and she wants that ferocious love.”

Naturally, as soon as Thomas sits down with Jenn for his one-on-one chat, producers send Sam N. into the room to interrupt. The Love Virgin is determined to take his relationship with the Bachelorette to “the next step” — but at least he’s polite about it. “Jenn, can I kiss you?” OMG, rose lovers, you’ve gotta see her face.

The Bachelorette pauses for a full five seconds before shutting it down. “I admire how open you are and how vulnerable you’ve been with me,” she says. “I want to be honest with you. I just don’t know if I can see us getting there, and I would never want to lead you on.” Cut to:

“I’m leaving here confused,” says Sam N. with a sigh. “I feel like the biggest fool of the century.” Awww, now I feel bad for the guy. Sure, he acted like a goofball, but I think his relationship inexperience caused him to overcompensate with “bold” behavior. Maybe he’ll have better luck next year in Paradise. With that, it’s time for Jenn to hand out the date rose.

Marcus, bless him, wasn’t expecting the rose, and he’s so overwhelmed with emotion, he begins to cry. Dylan puts his arm around his shoulder, and someone else says, “We love you, bro.” He’s even well-liked by the other men! Endgame, I tell ya.

The final date of the week goes to Devin. (And yeah, I love how pissed Sam M. must be about it.) The Bachelorette hopes that she can use her time with Devin to Open Up™ to him about her Vietnamese culture and her religion, Buddhism. “I hope that Devin is going to be open to learning about my spirituality and where I come from,” she says.

Jenn and Devin begin their date outside the Marae Maori Meeting Grounds, where they receive a Maori welcome from a group of dancers in traditional garb. Once inside the sacred space, their guide invites Devin and Jenn to talk about things that are significant to them. Devin goes first, and he tells the group about his father, who emigrated from Mexico, and his mother, who serves as the emotional “mountain” in his life. “Thank you for having us here,” he adds. “I hope we can continue to make you proud.”

It's pretty sweet, and Jenn is moved by Devin’s devotion to his mom. Later on, the Bachelorette shares that growing up, she struggled to integrate her Vietnamese culture into daily life because she was “so afraid of being different.” Today, though, she fully embraces her culture and her Buddhist religion, and she hopes to carry those things on when she has a family of her own. Devin LOVES it. “A happy and healthy family is all the tradition I need,” he says. Jenn’s obviously going to give him the date rose — do we really have to go through the motions of the “dinner” portion of the evening?

I guess so. As it turns out, Devin has more Opening Up™ to do. Growing up, Devin’s dad wasn’t really around much, and their family moved around a lot and there was “always a feeling of instability.” Today, Devin admires and respects his mom’s strength; she worked two jobs and went back to college while taking care of Devin and his brother.

But as a kid, Devin admits he didn’t understand all the sacrifices his mom was making for them, and he “idolized” his father so much, he went to live with him. Of course, that hurt his mom’s feelings, but “she never wavered once,” marvels Devin. “No matter how much I lashed out or how much trouble I got in, she never wavered.” Yes to celebrating moms who make it work!

And yes to men asking women questions about themselves on dates! Devin just asked Jenn if she still has a relationship with her father. Short answer: No. (Good news! The Bachelorette realizes that her fractured relationship with her father is part of the reason why she kept choosing toxic men in the past.) “I’m falling for you,” says Devin. “You’re an amazing woman, and I just want to celebrate you as long as I can.” You know what happens next, rose lovers.

Welp, there’s nothing left but the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Wait… why is Palmer in the lobby of the hotel? 

“A guy from Jenn’s past has reached out to one of our producers,” the host informs us. “I’m told that he’s flown himself halfway around the world to New Zealand on his own dime just to have a conversation with Jenn.” Palmer goes on to explain that this unnamed ex is on his way to the hotel this very second, and he’s waiting there to intercept said ex in the lobby and find out what he wants to say to Jenn. Meanwhile, Jenn is shooting some b-roll with producers while the guys are back at the hotel getting ready for the rose ceremony. Cue the 24-style split screen!

LOLOL. Indeed, Palmer does ambush the interloper, whose name is Matt, as soon as he walks into the hotel. The host asks Matt for a download on his relationship with Jenn. The bullet points: They dated three years ago for about “three or four months,” though they continued to be off-and-on for a while. Recently they “reconnected” — but Jenn thought they were just friends.  

Matt, his eyes shifting around nervously as he tries to avoid looking at the cameras, says he’s here to let Jenn know that he still loves her, and he’ll do “whatever I have to do” to earn her trust back. Palmer’s all, We’ve got a rose ceremony coming up, buddy. If you want to talk to Jenn, you’ve gotta do it right freaking now.

Yep, producers are going to make this dude ambush Jenn in public. What a fun, sexy time for both of them!

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” Jenn says with a gasp. “How are you here right now? What are you doing here? What is going on?” Matt the Telegenic Ex tells Jenn that after she left, he went on a trip to Columbia that they were supposed to take together, but it “wasn’t the same without you there.” Instead of attending the weddings he was in Columbia for, Matt says he got on a plane and flew to New Zealand to beg her to take him back.

“I’m not ready to just let you go and get engaged without telling you that I still have really strong feeling for you,” Matt admits. “I’m just asking that you just give me the chance to show you how much this all means to me.”

The Bachelorette is, in a word, flabbergasted. “We’ve had so many chances,” says Jenn. “I feel like this is coming out of nowhere!” And then she makes the billion-dollar point:

EXACTLY. “I did say it,” Matt replies weakly. “But I didn’t say it as grandly as this.” Or — and hear me out, pal — you saw a chance to be on TV, and maybe even work your way into the incestuous Bachelor Nation casting family, so you took it.

Jenn isn’t sure what to do, so Matt doubles down. “I really do love you,” he says — and this statement causes the Bachelorette to do a literal double take. “Matthew!” she cries. When Jenn asks Matt if he’s hoping to date her along with her 10 other “boyfriends,” it’s his turn to be flustered. “I mean, dating just you would be great,” Matt mumbles. “But I’m along for the ride. I would love to join you, for me to prove to you how much you mean to me.”

The episode is almost over, so we’re not going to get Jenn’s decision tonight — but we knew that, didn’t we, rose lovers? The Bachelorette steps away to contemplate her future. She frets that the men on her “journey,” some of whom she has “really strong feelings for,” might be pretty pissed if she lets her ex join the group. On the other hand, “I also know Matt a lot better than I know these guys that I’ve just met a couple weeks ago… I don’t know where my heart is pulling me.”

From the looks of the trailer, Jenn’s heart is pulling her to do what the producers want, which is to make the most of Matt’s ultimate humiliation. The preview reveals that Matt gets all dressed up for the cocktail party…

…and that Jenn tells the men her ex has arrived at the hotel, but it’s possible that she sends Matt home before he ever gets inside. Whatever happens, here’s hoping that it takes the focus off Sam M.’s one-sided beef with Devin. I don’t want to hear another word about that situation until they’re forced into the inevitable two-on-one date.

One month down, rose lovers! Are you joining me on #TeamMarcus? Do you think Matt flew to New Zealand for the Right Reasons™? And do you loathe Sam M. as much as I do? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.