- Ann Tikwittee: Oh, look at the furry guinea pig! Cute little guy! What do you call it?
- Pachacuti Yupanqui: Dinner! That's a cui, of course. With a little corn and plenty of salt, they are most tasty!
- Ann Tikwittee: Eeeeeeeeew! Sorry I asked!
- Lord: That peasant is being punished for stealing a chicken. He must spend one full day locked in the stockades, while people toss rotten vegetables at him.
- Polly Tix: No vegetarians here. Upper class Normans thought vegetables were fit only for peasants, so they didn't eat many. That excuse never worked with my mother!
- Ann Tikwittee: What do you keep in these jars?
- Head Priest: Those are royal canopic jars, where King Thutmose's liver, lungs, stomach, and intestines are quietly resting.
- Ann Tikwittee: Ugh! Sorry I asked.
- Old Man in Bath: Puteo! That latrine looks backed up. The smell alone could overpower a fierce enemy!
- Ivan Idea: So, hey, where do you guys keep the toilet paper?
- Old Man in Bath: Oh, paper is much too rare and expensive to be used in that manner. We prefer sponges attached to sticks.
- Mona Lisa: [Renee is trying to get Mona to smile] I am NOT amused.
- Renee Santz: Well, how about a joke: How many ACME agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Mona Lisa: What's a "light bulb"?
- Renee Santz: Uh... never mind.
- Old Man in Bath: [the player and Ivan have pumped sewage into the old man's bath, who reacts with shock] What happened down there? This bathwater is vile and... smells like a country barnyard! Phoooooooweeeee!
- Ivan Idea: ...Well, we got some water running!
- William the Conquerer: This cauldron is used to keep those pesky Saxons from raiding my castle walls, sometimes it is filled with hot water or oil; which sticks to the enemy's skin.
- Polly Tix: Sticks to the skin? Eugh!
- William the Conquerer: Catapults are great weapons not just for throwing stones but also dead animals, which spread disease.
- Polly Tix: Grossola!