Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Spy Kids: Armageddon’ on Netflix, a Lackluster Reboot of Robert Rodriguez’s Signature Kiddie Franchise

Jack-of-all-trades filmmaker Robert Rodriguez reboots his signature kiddie franchise with Spy Kids: Armageddon (now streaming on Netflix), which refreshes the story and cast but sticks with the same formula and creative team. And by “creative team,” I mean Rodriguez, who, as usual, does a lot of it himself – he’s the director, editor, cinematographer and producer, and co-writes with his son Racer Max. Zachary Levi (Shazam) and Gina Rodriguez (Jane the Virgin) replace Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino as the mom-and-dad secret superspies, and the titular siblings formerly played by Carmen Cortez and Juni Cortez are subbed out for totes-adorbs newcomers Connor Esterson and Everly Carganilla. The goal here is likely to introduce new, younger eyeballs to the Spy Kids adventures, while also appealing to Millennials’ nostalgia; but for those of us who don’t fall into those demographic categories, it may be tougher sledding.

SPY KIDS: ARMAGEDDON: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Tony (Esterson) and Patty (Carganilla) make their way through a weird temple that looks like an Indiana Jones set if it was a circa-1999 video game. They’re all decked out like spies – black clothes, boots, gadgets, etc. – as they hop hither and thither and walk on ceilings and all that. And then they get in an elevator, but a trap door opens beneath them, plunging them into darkness. Oh farts! That’s not good! But now we jump to ONE DAY EARLIER, because this is one of those movies that opens with an exciting thing then jumps back to the mundane things and works its way back to the exciting thing, so we don’t get bored and turn off the TV and go solve world hunger or something. It apparently only takes 24 hours or so to become a kick-butt spy, because these regular kids aren’t Spy Kids yet. No, their obsession is a new video game called Hyskor (say it out loud – get it?), but their parents, Terrence (Levi) and Nora (Gina Rodriguez), limit their screen time like total tyrants. Being a kid is really tough sometimes, yo.

There are some character dynamics here we need to talk about. First, the kids don’t know their parents are spies; Terrence and Nora just haven’t summoned the courage to tell them yet. And Tony is a little poop who cheats at card games and repeatedly defies his parents – he’s a classic don’t-ask-first/just-apologize-later type. By contrast, Patty stands around and says funny things. The plot begins when the family hops into the family car, a prominent brand of automobile that’s the primary subject in at least three shots. It’s so sleek and shiny, this particular vehicle! Just get an eyeful of that logo! You can just SENSE what a smooth ride it has, and how easy it is to obtain low-APR financing! Too bad a QR code doesn’t pop up on screen so you can buy one right now!

Where was I? Right – the plot. Terrence created a terrifying piece of software dubbed the Armageddon Code, which can hack any piece of computer technology that exists. That doesn’t sit well with Nora, possibly because she saw Oppenheimer, and she urges him to destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands. Which is exactly what happens, of course; the disgruntled creator of Hyskor, Rey “The King” Kingston (Billy Magnussen), snatches it and throws the whole world into chaos by forcing people to play his video game and achieve certain goals before they can do normal everyday stuff like use an ATM or unlock a door with a touchpad. Egads, I say, egads. All this means the jig’s up on Terrence and Nora’s secret-spy status. Why? Because the movie isn’t called Spy Parents, dummy. And lord knows adults suck butt at video games, so Patty and Tony have to become spies so they can use their gamer skills to help vanquish The King. At this point, I have to pose the question: Will they succeed? And the answer to that is, SORRY, NO SPOILERS. 

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Looks like the tech-that-could-destroy-the-world plot is going to replace the multiverse narratives as a movie storytelling trend – we already saw it in the Fast and Furious and Mission: Impossible movies. 

Performance Worth Watching: This kiddie fare does no one any favors. But it does serve to remind one that Gina Rodriguez is very good in Kajillionaire and Annihilation. 

Memorable Dialogue: The King warns his minions that Tony and Patty could be dangerous: “Careful – they might have gadgets!”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: One is tempted to soft-pedal criticism for Spy Kids: Armageddon, considering its target audience is still in the early stages of brain development. But the best family movies exhibit effortless cross-generational appeal that this one lacks. Its attempts at comedy are grating and tiresome, the action is forgettable, the dialogue witless. You can’t help but wonder if Rodriguez stages numerous sequences within a retro-video-game world so he has an easy excuse to levy at anyone who might point out that the CGI is shoddy and cheap-looking. The filmmaker has a reputation for efficiency, but the consequence of that is visually uninspired stuff like this (and his recent action movie for adults, the miserable Hypnotic), which looks like mediocre TV from the early-2000s oh-boy-widescreen! era. 

Rodriguez struggles to maintain a smooth pace, which stems from the writing, which feels dashed-off; the story consists of, by turns, talky exposition-heavy dullness and action-packed chases and swordfights and the like. The performances are broad and cheerful, at the service of low-impact, sitcommy characters. Give this stuff a little dramatic tension and momentum, and it might go further, and we might not start feeling the drag at the 60-minute mark. Bottom line: The less discerning you are, the more it’ll work for you, which is an at-best dubious compliment.

Our Call: Spy Kids: Armageddon is FKO: For Kids Only. And even then, that demographic has far better options. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.