Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Halloween Kills’ on HBO Max, a Murdery Mess of a Continuation of a Sequel of a Horror Classic

Halloween Kills — now streaming on HBO Max — is the latest in the most convoluted horror franchise in film history. Tracking the narrative continuity of slasher extraordinaire Michael Myers’ exploits is like herding cats by using other cats as cat-herders. It’s been rebooted and retconned and reimagined to the point of absurdity. Long story made as short as possible, this, the 12th Halloween movie, is a direct sequel to director David Gordon Green’s 2018 Halloween, which was a direct sequel to John Carpenter’s career-making 1978 original Halloween, but set 40 years later. So all those other Halloweens? Forget ’em. They don’t exist in this movie timeline. They’re dead to you, which is ironic, because these movies are all about a guy who just can’t be killed, ever, by any means. And that may be why people keep watching these films — to see how Michael Myers doesn’t get killed this time around, especially since we all know Halloween Ends is already slotted for 2022.

HALLOWEEN KILLS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: RECAP: Halloween Kills doesn’t recap 2018’s Halloween, so please, allow me. I’ll be brief. Forty years after Michael Myers stalked and killed some of her friends, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is a paranoid recluse, estranged from her daughter Karen (Judy Greer) and granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak). What with one thing and another, Michael Myers (Nick Castle) busted out of the asylum and resumed seeking a kitchen-cutlery endorsement from Williams Sonoma, but Lori, Karen and Allyson trapped him in Laurie’s basement and burned the house down. END RECAP. It’s that very same night. The house is still in flames. Laurie’s on the way to the hospital, having ungraciously accepted a knife to her gut from Michael. Don’t worry, she’ll be OK, because someone in this movie has to say things like “Let him take my head as I take his,” and make pithy speeches about the nature of fear.

And hey, guess what? Michael survives the fire. Bet you didn’t see that coming. And YOU thought Halloween Kills would be a serious drama about the psychological aftermath of harrowing incidents. Silly you! Fooled again! Rather, Michael sends a handful of firefighters to meet their makers and continues his agenda of being a highly unpleasant brutal murderer. Meanwhile, we get a flashback to 1978, so the movie can introduce some new characters, who are now all older in the present day, because that’s the way time works. Most notable among them are Officer Hawkins (Will Patton), Lonnie Elam (Robert Longstreet) and Tommy Doyle (Anthony Michael Hall), rare survivors of confrontations with Michael. There are so many other characters, it gets silly. We meet practically the entire population of Haddonfield, Illinois, many of whom are gonna die this fateful night, some of them via significant eyeball trauma. So don’t get too attached.

The cops, as usual, are several steps behind Michael. And Tommy’s had enough. He grabs a baseball bat and fires up a mob, and all they’re missing is torches and pitchforks. “EVIL DIES TONIGHT!”, they start chanting, as if they’re mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore, so they’re gonna eradicate this symbol of all existential evil on this mortal plane, or else. Then, you’re not gonna believe this, but a second loon escaped from the asylum, and he’s out there farting around, which serves to further stir the confusional pandemonium. Now, I need to point out that every character in this movie is puddingbrained dipshit, a true bunch of single-digit-IQ thick-as-a-brick chronically befuddled maroons, so if you’re looking to watch a movie where you can cheer for the killer, this may just scratch that itch.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: For some reason, 11 other movies come to mind. Well, let’s make that 10, because nobody in their right mind acknowledges Season of the Witch.

RELATED: How To Watch All 11 Michael Myers Halloween Movies In Order

Performance Worth Watching: I dunno, Judy Greer seems to be the only cast member who didn’t lose their mind in the midst of performance, and fits the odd horror-comedy tone struck by Green and co-screenwriters Danny McBride and Scott Teems.

Memorable Dialogue: Proof that Danny McBride has screenwriter credit arrives via a less-than-generous assessment of Laurie Strode via one of her neighbors, who notices her house is burning down: “That nutbag lives a highly flammable lifestyle.”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: Halloween Kills is a fascinating mess: A splattering of characters, discomfiting should-I-be-laughing-or-just-appalled tone, OTT acting, merciless gore buffet, evocative retro-synth score, stoopid declarative dialogue and thematic threads ranging from an indictment of the mindless mob mentality — complete with scenes that invoke images from the Jan. 6 insurrection — to the age-old assertion that evil never dies. Green makes some thinky-guy-emoji choices here that result in a maximal counterpoint to the minimalist clarity of Carpenter’s film, in spite of overt invocations of the first film by way of flashbacks and returning characters. It’s in the vein of the original only superficially.

Attempting to translate all of this into something coherent is a fool’s errand, so let’s just talk about the kills. There’s always conversation to be had about the kills. The kills are where it’s at. The kills the kills the kills. It’s right there in the title. Well, there’s a whole bunch of ’em, knives entering skulls, bones being crunched, people being chucked down staircases, etc., as the music goes into uptempo-heartbeat mode and tickles the undercarriage of Carpenter’s unforgettable original score. It’s nasty, in contrast to scenes where Michael’s impending victims joke and diddlefart around like Movie Characters, none more so than a gay couple whose names are Little John and Big John. Yes, please, by all means, groan away.

And yet, Halloween Kills is mostly entertaining as it veers all over the map, from jokey to satirical to quasi-political to gruesome. All these people losing their shit over one man with a mask and a knife and a seemingly supernatural ability to exist as an omnipresent symbol of fear, because he just will. Not. Die. No matter what you do to him, thus rendering all the miscellaneous and sundry characters’ determined and insistent declarations that “He’s gonna die tonight” moot as a toot in a tornado. I’m pretty sure Michael Myers was nuked from orbit in a previous movie (I admittedly haven’t seen them all), and nevertheless, he persisted. I mean, the last film in Green’s trilogy is still a year away, so consider all suspense suspended until then.

Our Call: Halloween Kills is incomprehensible but watchable, idiotic but amusing, messy but intently focused on delivering the thing in the word in the title. STREAM IT, but keep any expectations on ice until it all Ends 2022, even though it probably won’t.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream Halloween Kills on HBO Max