‘X-Men: Apocalypse’ on Disney+ Is Essentially ‘Queer Eye’ for Mutants

There’s a whole lot one can say about X-Men: Apocalypse, the critically-panned turning point for Fox’s mutant franchise. The movie squandered Olivia Munn, didn’t recognize the the star power in Lana Condor, once again prioritized Mystique to the detriment of every other character, and—most egregiously—deleted that absolutely integral mall scene. But now that the movie is getting a second (or third?) chance as part of Disney+’s Summer Movie Nights lineup, maybe it’s time to talk about one of the things the movie got right. And I don’t mean “right” in terms of sticking with the source material or even being a coherent filmmaking choice. I mean “right” in the “so ridiculous it’s right” way. I’m talking about how X-Men: Apocalypse turned Apocalypse into a hairdresser.

No, really. The ancient, all-powerful evil that has plagued the X-Men for decades in the comics finally hit the big-screen in 2016—and he transformed from a massive, world-conquering threat into essentially the Fab Five all rolled into one big, blue life coach/personal stylist. No shade intended, because that choice is one I still live for. I know the campiness in this self-serious movie is unintentional and coincidental, and I’m definitely not giving the director who will not be named any credit for it, but I still marvel at this gloriously goofy choice.

This is essentially a movie where the bad guy, whose name is Apocalypse, hops from city to city delivering pep talks and glow-ups to the mutants who need it most. Sure, this big bad—played by a completely unrecognizable Oscar Isaac—is all about survival of the fittest and the utter destruction of humankind… but if he can teach a couple of schlubby mutants how to unlock their inner diva, then mission: accomplished.

Okay okay okay—I have to speak for a sec as a lifelong, completely obsessed X-fan: there is precedent in the comics for Apocalypse being a combination Tan France/Jonathan Van Ness. His whole gig, starting in the earliest days of Louise Simonson’s X-Factor, involved recruiting down-on-their-luck mutants and turning them into murder machines. In the comics, that was usually achieved via his elaborate, Celestial machinery and resulted in looks—well, looks designed by straight comic book artists. X-Men: Apocalypse makes the transformation even more personal, because this master of mutant makeovers takes matters into his own hands—literally.

Just imagine how well Apocalypse would do on Project Runway. No trips to mood, no wrestling with sewing machines—every challenge is an unconventional challenge, and the materials are DNA strands instead of party supplies.

For his first makeover, Apocalypse takes Storm from street rat to punk goddess.

Then he turns up the volume on Psylocke’s hair and gives it some killer highlights.

He turns Angel into Archangel, complete with a severe pompadour and face tattoo combo that make him look like he’s ready to sling drinks at a gay dive bar.

Magneto doesn’t need much work on the outside, so Apocalypse makes like Karamo and turns his attention inwards to help the mutant work through his pain.

Because of this hands-on approach and the movie’s incredibly slight ’80s neon aesthetic, the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse have a vibe that screams Four Horsemen of Glam. Like, are these the villains of a Marvel movie or a vogueing house competing on HBO Max’s Legendary?

The House of En Sabah Nur looks sickening, no?

X-Men: Apocalypse is uneven and a bit of a slog at times—a nearly unforgivable sin considering this is a mutant movie set in the 1980s starring a bunch of teen superheroes. It should be Stranger Things with comic book costumes and even more superpowers… and it’s not. But even if a lot of the choices are head-scratchers (let’s not even unpack the icky AF dynamic between Xavier and Moira…ugh), I think we can all agree that Apocalypse is the super-powered stylist we never knew we desperately needed. I’m here for it.

Stream X-Men: Apocalypse on Disney+