Dear ‘Love, Simon’: Actually, Halloween Oreos Aren’t That Great

Love, Simon, which premieres tonight on HBO, is a wonderful movie. A groundbreaking gay teen romantic comedy directed by mega-producer Greg Berlanti based on the novel “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda,” it’s sweet, it’s funny and the performances are across the board wonderful. You will, I guarantee you, be a puddle of tears by the end of the film.

But it doesn’t know what it’s talking about when it comes to Oreos.

You’d think this might be simple product placement, but in fact Oreos are central to the plot. Simon (Nick Robinson) is a closeted teen passing as straight in a small town, who strikes up an online friendship with an anonymous, also closeted student at his high school only known as “Blue.” The two very quickly start to fall in love (Simon also masks his identity, only referring to himself as Jacques), and Simon spends most of offline life trying to figure out Blue’s identity.

One major clue? Blue loves Halloween Oreos, the chocolate cookies with orange creme that are only sold around the spookiest time of the year. They become so important that Simon is seen eating Halloween Oreos multiple times, and eventually manages to figure out Blue’s identity based on their mutual love of the cookies. One character even says midway through the movie that Halloween Oreos are “the best.”

They are not the best.

Don’t get me wrong, Halloween Oreos are fine. But they’re the same flavor as Oreos, only colored orange. They’re not flavored like pumpkins, or oranges. It’s just a regular ol’ Oreo sweet creme with some artificial food coloring. Oreo has recently started selling Pumpkin Spice Oreos around October 31, which are different. They’re vanilla cookies with pumpkin spice creme. They’re pretty good! But to call Halloween Oreos the best is a grave misunderstanding of the basics of the Oreo cookie.

Regular Oreos, without any fringes, are arguably some of the greatest cookies in the world. Chocolate cookie, perfectly paired with sweet creme… You can pop one in your mouth, take little nibbles, or unscrew them and slowly lick the creme, savoring every morsel before the Oreo dissolves in your mouth.

I like Oreos, y’all.

There’s the Double Stuf Oreo that doubles the creme and is a little too much. There are Oreo Thins which come in a variety of flavors that are all pretty delicious, but given the wafer-esque thin cookie, are basically a completely different product. And then there are more than a dozen limited editions that range from Cinnamon Bun to Waffles & Syrup.

I’ve tasted them all, and when it comes down to it, the basic Oreo is still the best — though the Birthday Cake Oreos are pretty phenomenal, so good they’ve become part of the regular rotation.

To those of you who might point to other Halloween treats, such as the Reese’s Pumpkin, which is also distributed around the holiday: those are, in fact, the best. The reason is the greater ratio of peanut butter to chocolate in the pumpkin shape, versus the regular Reese’s cup. Also sometimes they come out hideously deformed, and that’s always a lot of fun.

Meanwhile, Halloween Oreos are a sham, selling you on a different product when there’s so much more they can do. It’s like when San Diego Comic-Con rolls around, and local restaurants serve a “Captain America Burger” which is just a burger that has American cheese on it. Which is usually an option anyway! You can’t pull the wool over my eyes, San Diego based restaurants in the Gaslamp district!

I don’t love the Pumpkin Spice Oreos, but at least those are taking a chance, you know? And particularly for a movie that’s so boundary-pushing like Love, Simon, they could have pushed the cookie boundary, too. Have Blue say he’s obsessed with Cookie Dough Oreos! Or S’mores Oreos, which I can’t believe they didn’t call S’moreos! Or the Swedish Fish flavor!

Actually maybe not the Swedish Fish flavor, that ish is gross.

Regardless, don’t get too hung up on the Oreos while watching the movie. From Jennifer Garner’s beautiful speech towards the end, to a hilarious dance sequence, to Katherine Langford’s shockingly deep best friend performance, Love, Simon is a treasure. Just choose your snacks wisely while you’re watching.

Where to stream Love, Simon