‘Vanderpump Rules’: Which SUR-ver Won (and Lost) Season 6?

The sixth season of Vanderpump Rules has been more loosely organized than most. Past seasons have either built up to something (Katie and Schwartz’s wedding; Kristen admitting she slept with Jax) or have been strongly about one major throughline (the year Stassi spent apologizing to Katie). The closest that season 6 came to a central throughline was Jax and Brittany’s slow road towards breaking up. But while that storyline took all season, and everybody in the cast needed to weigh in on it at one point or another, it’s not like we’re ever going to look back fondly on the season when Brittany took so long to dump Jax’s cheating ass that he ended up beating her to the punch.

Which isn’t to say that this season didn’t have its highlights. Stassi’s successful reinvention as a party-planner; Tom Sandoval inventing little frozen green alcohol treats; Lala inventing West Hollywood feminism; James becoming likeable. Each more surprising than the last!

So in the interests of summing up the regular season before the playoffs (i.e. the reunion episodes) begin, we’re going through each main cast member and evaluating their season. Did their Pump stock go up or down? Are we dreading the prospect of another year with them? Are they good for feminism? Bad for humanity? We’ll also throw in some final grades for their season as a whole.

JAX

Joe: At the beginning of this season, I was hopeful that this would be the season that Jax would go down in flames. I guess this was the closest we got to that happening, but I can’t say it was satisfying. Discovering that he had cheated on Brittany with Faith was a hell of a bombshell, but watching Brittany drag out his retribution over the course of the entire season was unbearable, and even Scheana’s plot to hook Brittany up with another guy was unsatisfying, because it was Scheana. I guess I was holding onto hope that we’d find out that Jax was indeed having sex with his reiki therapist (as Jennifer Lawrence and I adamantly believe), but that never happened. As it stands, like … Lisa firing him from Sur? I’m not sure that’s enough of a comeuppance to satisfy me.

Lea: I found Jax’s reiki practice rather amusing. Taking in the Mexico sunrise while tapping his head with a tiny rock? Beautiful. And that is how I will choose to remember him this season. Because I really and truly adjusted my expectations for him and his behavior this time around, and I think that was necessary to make it through each of these episodes without throwing items at the screen. The many, many times he implied, indirectly and otherwise, that Brittany needed to get over the fact that he cheated on her, or how he repeatedly threw tantrums, earned just about an eye roll from me (although Brittany had my sympathies). In fact, I even found myself demanding proper hotel accommodations early this year, inspired by his demands in the group’s visit to Big Bear. Remember that? The man almost drowned. And no matter your feelings on him, it wasn’t that fun to watch. I stopped taking Jax seriously a long time ago and I recommend it for all moving forward. I won’t judge Brittany for her decisions, but I do want the best for her. And dear god, Jax in no way needs to return to SUR next year. I promise you, he will still find a way to involve himself in the drama without mixing a Pumptini from time to time.

GRADE: D-plus

BRITTANY

Lea: Oh, Brittany. First of all, we know she’s as sweet as pie on the inside, but homegirl pulled off some looks on the outside this season that were nothing short of stunning. She looked truly beautiful despite the less-than-beautiful moments she was facing. While I felt bad for her, of course, even if some of this was her own doing and decision-making, Brittany became a true reality TV star this season. Between snarling at Jax and hopping in an Uber in her sleeping shorts, Brittany wasn’t afraid to let us see her and her true emotions. Not to mention, she was as outspoken and bold as ever, while still being a nice person. I give her credit, I root for her, and I wish her the best.

Joe: I give her very little credit, I don’t root for her, and I wish her … okay, not the worst, but NOT the best. I still feel like Brittany has been forced upon us without our say-so. Just one day, Jax shipped her in from Kentucky, got her a boob job, and every day since I’ve been berated by SUR-vers lining up to tell me she’s the nicest, kindest, most pure-hearted person ever to don a Hooters tank top. None of this would have been quite so bothersome if she had just dumped Jax right after the Faith tape came out, but she didn’t. She didn’t forgive him, either. She just kept him on a string close enough so she could tell him, every single episode, that he needs to stop cheating on her and make things up to her. That was never going to happen, mostly because Jax hates her like he hates all women

GRADE: B-minus

STASSI

Joe: For a season where it was revealed that Stassi made racist statements on her podcast, it’s kind of remarkable that she’s coming out of the season relatively positively. The season finale left a sour taste, as we had to watch Stassi stand by the truly odious Patrick (who knew our biggest villain was in our midst this whole time, as a bro-y douche who would dare to call Lisa Vanderpump “girl”??), and while in real life, that’s already been taken care of, it’s still rough to see her stand by him in the moment. I think in general it’s a positive sign that we’re past the Stassi honeymoon season (last year, when the show was just happy to have her back) and we’re still able to like her. Yeah, the birthday tantrum was bad, but it’s kind of healthy that she and Katie and Kristen can call each other out on their shit now, right?

Lea: I was sort of into the Stassi as a party planner thing this year. As long as she’s got someone else writing her emails and, you know, doing all the work, it was fun to see her having something to actually do and somewhere to be. This is not a season she’ll want to revisit, but it certainly wasn’t her worst. She let Lala be the cast member to say the absolutely ridiculous and usually quite unladylike quips, but that doesn’t mean her spark and her snark were completely absent. Something tells me that we’re all going to be feeling awfully sympathetic towards her after this reunion, and I look forward to what she does with that next season.

GRADE: B-plus

SCHEANA

Lea: Oh wow. I am one of the few that comes from a place of not immediately dismissing Scheana, but she made that incredibly challenging this season. Look, if she wanted to admit and lean into how lost she was feeling post-divorce, she would’ve earned (some of) the same sympathies we had for Brittany and even Stassi. Instead, she decided to go faker than those nails and tell herself she was living her best life but it couldn’t have been easy facing the music each week when she watched herself on that flatscreen that Rob hung up on the wall in like, under seven minutes. It would be wrong to hate her 100% because she did bring that hunk of a man Adam into the Pump-isphere, but it would be accurate to hate her for threatening Jax with a “If you come for my relationship, I’m gonna come for yours,” because hi, Brittany is your friend too. Jax is an easy target, pick another flaw to expose. She simply played it all wrong, and she played herself.

Joe: Every time I start to feel something approaching kinship with Scheana — I, too, get overly excited about relationships before I should; I, too, would flip out about a guy who could be handy around the house — that clown comes back to bite. Because Scheana sure did engage in some clownery this season. Trying to break up Jax and Brittany … whatever, they need to be broken up, though it was dumb of Scheana to make it a Project. But it’s the little moments, like how she keeps taking potshots at Shay. Or how she showed up on Andy Cohen’s “Night of a Billion Doorbells” or whatever and “joked” about how she and Brandi have the same taste in men. Scheana might not be a good person!

GRADE: D-plus

TOM SANDOVAL

Joe: I know I previously said that Patrick was revealed to be the worst, and I also know that this is a show with Jax on it, but truly, I’m not sure if there is a worse person on Vanderpump Rules than Tom Sandoval. It’s worse that he’s able to successfully hide it sometimes. It’s tempting to brush him off as a manscaping weenie with an overdeveloped fashion sense and the misapprehension that he’s charming. But there is a darkness in Tom that is increasingly impossible to deny. Case in point: when Stassi told Billie to be wary of Ariana’s creeper brother, and Sandoval told her that she better shut up about her own experience of harassment if she knew what was good for her. Tom��s a bad dude (whomaybehateswomen).

Lea: Sandoval, at no point this season, was even worth my time. Again, I set the expectation bar so low for him, he probably walked his shaven forehead right into it. The V-neck sweater with a hood on it does make me angry though. There’s just no need for that. Learning how to listen to others for 5 seconds, especially Ariana, before pointing fingers and loudly screeching at others (see above), would be a very useful skill for him. And while I’m sure the “deal” he got still means he vastly overpaid for the device, those tiny green alcoholic balls did look good enough to convince me to someday go to Tom Tom.

GRADE: C-minus

ARIANA

Lea: It was the most revolutionary haircut since The Rachel. That stylish bob was the envy of women and the inspiration for hairstylists all over the nation, and that earned her some points right out of the gate. From there, she yelled at Sandoval, we felt bad for her vagina, and then the couple went house-hunting and made out while she was sitting on a kitchen counter, so all was right again? She’s the kind of person who is very good at taking two steps forward and one step back, so I tend to stay a bit wary of her. Ariana was…fine this season? She didn’t quite dazzle or disgust me along the way so congrats to her, I guess.

Joe: Ariana was fine. I still think it’s funny that nobody ever talks about how she and Tom were doing it behind Kristen’s back just like she said they were, but that’s old news. This season, I mostly felt what I always feel about Ariana: 1) Dating Tom Sandoval is a choice, and not one that speaks well of her; 2) If you hate this group of people so much, you should escape them.

GRADE: B

KATIE & SCHWARTZ

Joe: Very lowkey season for these two, which was probably a good thing. We’re maybe one season away from having to address Schwartz’s drinking problem head-on, though. I’ve been first in line for Schwartzie’s aw-shucks himbo routine for years, but this is the first time I’ve thought “that’s not cute” more times than not when confronted with his antics. Getting blackout on the reg, making out with random girls, vodka-sweating through a business meeting with Lisa and Ken? None of it is cute. (Meanwhile, I thought Katie was at her most relatable in years. Her opening up about that catastrophic skylight injury really made me see her in a new light.)

Lea: Sigh. I love Schwartz too, but the fact that he is the only decent dude on the show couldn’t quite save him this time around. I need to never hear about him being unfaithful again, especially due to drinking. I’m going to choose to believe he has learned his lesson and is sick of it too! Speaking of being sick, Tom and Katie eating and spilling pizza all over their hotel room in Mexico was as nice of a bonding moment as it was really yucky to watch. We’ve all sloppily drunk snacked, but we don’t do it in front of a mirror for a reason. Again, those tiny green balls really need Schwartz to keep his shit together so that Tom Tom is a success.

As for Katie, this was the cool and calm season we all needed her to have. Marriage is looking amazing on her. From being WRONGFULLY body shamed to launching her lipstick line to opening up about a the major, scary, life-changing event that has made her who she is today, it was a total triumph season for her. Speaking of, did Tequila Katie even make an appearance this time around? Certainly not one dramatic enough to be remembered. I look forward to watching Katie flourish in future seasons.

GRADE: Katie: A; Tom: B-minus; combined: B-plus

KRISTEN

Lea: I know the prevailing question is “Where was Kristen?” this season and yes, I too need that answer. But there is another part of me that feels a bit of relief for her. We didn’t need another Crazy Kristen season, and she only looked calm and reasonable, if a bit clumsy, throughout this run. That extended stretch of her crutching down the hallway at SUR was as endearing as it was cringy, but it didn’t make her look bad. Or at least not mean and psycho. She was able to fit some of that in during the Mexico trip of course, and while I really, really want to believe her, and I 99% do, I’ve seen enough of this show to know better. Again, my default is to mostly like and appreciate Kristen, and while the limited on-screen time this season felt a bit odd, I do think it probably was ultimately a positive thing for her.

Joe: Is it weird that I believe Kristen when she says she didn’t have sex with James? Like most people, when I saw her actually being complimentary towards him after he talked about his childhood bullying, I was like, “Ruh-oh. They’re gonna do it now.” But I pretty much bought Kristen’s denials, which had the ring of frustrated truth to them. This was a very lowkey season, which as you say, if probably good for her, because the next time she gets a lot of attention, it will be for doing something horrible.

GRADE: B

JAMES

Joe: I am so mad about it, but I think I kind of like James after this season. He’s still a ridiculous person who says things like “boom shaka-laka, we’re talking mad money!” The “white Kanye” thing is still alive and well inside him. But he’s finally settled into a role in this group. He’s no longer the bratty outsider taking potshots at everybody so they’ll notice him. Now he’s just the yappy little brother that nobody takes all that seriously, but they’ll support him at his DJ gigs, and that’s fine. I’ve done a lot of taking James’s word for it this season (that he never had sex with his gay best friend; that he and Kristen didn’t have sex in Mexico; that he’s not aware of how he’s emotionally cheating on Raquel with Lala), and that may well end up biting me later. But for now, I find him more stupidly amusing than outright loathsome. It’s an improvement!

Lea: Oh, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m fully Team James. Again, the key to succeeding on this show is making yourself open, available, and vulnerable. Pretending you’re skating along and winning at life will always, always, backfire. James talking about the bullies breaking his legs made the fact that he clutched that coveted SUR DJ gig by the end of the season that much sweeter. We met his dad, we saw him cry a bunch of times, and we even laughed at things he said and did (scurrying out of Jax and Brittany’s apartment with a bottle of alcohol!) throughout the season. The fact that he stole that Faith and Jax recording and told Jax about Scheana setting Brittany up with Adam could be considered weasely, but in the context of this season, well, they moved the drama right along to where it needed to be. It pains me to champion an entirely average, straight white man in 2018, it does. But James had a great, redemptive, and even entertaining season this year. See you next season.

GRADE: A-minus

LALA

Lea: Which brings us to Lala, who gained a lot of fans this year, but I am not one of them. In no way do I root against her. I’m the kind of person that would totally rack up Spotify listens to a trashy, breathy song that a reality TV star would “sing.” But I find her faux-feminism to be antithetical to how this woman lives her life, which is paid in full by her producer boyfriend. That’s fine, you do you, but don’t try to come around gathering everyone, especially the women as friends, when all you really care about is your vagina “taking that D” and then screaming at Kristen when a few drops of her thrown drink, intended for James, land on your shirtdress. Let’s not forget she started the whole Schwartz cheated thing as a way to lash out at Katie, too. Oh, and when Jennifer Lawrence, an Oscar winner, even acknowledged Lala’s presence in the world this year, she lashed out at her too. She’s due for a big season next year, but she’s gotta take the summer to grow up just a little bit and get her priorities straight.

Joe: I am officially against Lala feuding with J-Law unless it means the Oscar winner showing up at SUR to film (which … has a better-than-zero-percent chance of happening maybe?). But in all other ways, I was fully Team Lala this season. I know making her the #TimesUp Woman of WeHo feels like a stretch, but I also think she’s genuinely the one person who sees through the fact that they boys always stick together on this show while the girls always turn on each other, and it makes them look stupid every time. Lala isn’t interested in looking stupid, so her angriest moments (pasta-related outbursts aside) are when the ladies aren’t acting right. It’s because of Lala that we got all those great moments of the women not allowing Jax even an inch of latitude. They’re never going to mind their own business anyway, so I’d rather see them use their vicious, meddlesome powers to take down Jax than to, say, tell middle-management at SUR to suck a dick.

GRADE: B-minus (this was a very contentious grading process!)

LISA

Joe: Lisa truly has found her niche on this show. She’s half den mother and half Judge Judy, and I kind of buy her in both roles. It certainly seems like more fun than she’s having on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she’s constantly re-litigating her friendships with Kyle and Dorit and crying about her dogs.

Lea: Oh totally. Here, she can hear all the gossip and add her two cents without ever having to be directly involved in it. She can exert her power over Jax by talking sternly to him and threatening his job, and take the women under her wings, consoling and knocking truth into Brittany and Scheana when it comes to their relationships and reassuring Katie that she’s gorgeous and even giving Stassi the benefit of the doubt when it comes to her party planning hobby. No one is coming for Lisa, and if they dare to, they are guaranteed to look like a complete and total ass. This whole Tom Tom adventure is showing off Lisa’s business knowledge and the care she has for people that are good to her, no matter how doofy they may be. Lisa knows exactly when to step in and when to step back from the absurdity, and so at least within the realm of this show, this woman truly has it all.

GRADE: A

Recurring Characters’ Grades:

Kevin Lee: F (for body-shaming Katie)
Faith: C-plus (for having sex with Jax next to the elderly)
Logan: C-minus (for being extra)
Raquel: B-minus (for really being named “Rachel”)
Rob: A+++ (for everything Scheana says about him)
Carter: A-minus (for being relatively chill)
Patrick: F (for reasons that should be obvious)
Ken: B-plus (for being supportive of James … and puppies)
Billie: A-minus (for being better than all the regular cast members)
Jeremy: C (for creeping on Stassi)
Peter: A-minus (for being himself)
Adam: A (for being hot)
Wesley: A (for also being hot)
“pasta”: A+ (for being versatile)

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