‘The Bachelor’ Recap, Season 22 Finale: The Grief Opera

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Chris Harrison is going to warn you that Arie is a bad Bachelor a la Jason Mesnick and Juan Pablo. He’s going to tell you that you’re about to get very angry at what this bad car boy did, and he’s not wrong. But what I’d also like to posit, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is that it’s ABC who’s really culpable here. It’s Arie who got behind the wheel and set this slow-motion car accident in motion, sure, but it’s ABC who plied him with ego and opportunity. Every time you watch him do something egregious in this THREE-HOUR EPISODE, and it will be often, notice that we cut back to Chris Harrison, sitting smug as a bug in a rug on his pile of broken dreams and uncut footage.

We’re promised that tonight is unedited. Uncut. I submit to you that it is also unnecessary. What you’re about to see is a grief opera, during which we as a nation find out what Caroline already knows — WHAT YOU DID. Both you, Arie, and the network you rode in on, because in concert, your actions are truly unforgivable.

ACT I — The Family

Lights up on beautiful Peru, where Arie is preparing his family to meet the two women who remain in his once-mighty stable. He tells Mama and Papa Luyendyk that he definitely loves them both, even though he knows exactly who Becca is, and Fouren is a beautiful painting that he took off the wall of Bachelor mansion. “I don’t know, you know?,” he tells his dad. Wow. Well said. We do know.

Both women meet the family, and the Luyendyks Elder immediately slot into the exact same behavior we’ve seen from their son. Mieke Luyendyk is spending her alone time with Fouren reassuring her. Arie Luyendyk Sr. is making things unimaginably worse by telling Becca that he’d be happy with either woman. The only people who have anything helpful to say are some vague Dutch siblings, who ask if Arie can talk to Fouren all night long. To which he gives a resounding YES! Assuming smelling her hair is talking, then one thousand times yes, otherwise no, definitely not, can’t even imagine such a thing.

At the end of both days, Fouren bore up well under the pressure, impressing the judges by not imploding under the collected gaze of the family. But it’s Becca who really shone, glistening with confidence even though every time she turned around, there was another Nederlander asking her what she thinks of Fouren or telling her what a nice time everyone had yesterday.

It’s a lot more comparing than the families of other Bachelor and Bachelorettes have done, but to their credit, this is sort of the Dutch way, to be very blunt and straightforward, almost to a fault. (As the daughter of a Dutch immigrant, I’m allowed to say that. If I don’t you the truth, and directly to your face, my bad teeth fall out.) But god bless them, after making the entire day about comparisons between the two remaining women, the Luyendyks are ready to make a ruling, another things that is Not Usually Done in Bachelor Nation.

Usually your family just says, pick whoever makes you happy, and that will make us happy! But in this little Car Clan, everyone goes around one by one and votes for Becca. And as Seinne points out later in the studio, you can see all over Arie’s face how bummed he is not to hear the name “Fouren.” Need more proof? Look at the differences between the two women’s dates.

Act II — The Final Dates

With Fouren, Arie is spending a day at Machu Picchu, the seventh wonder of the world. And they recap their entire relationship on the train on the way there because it’s fun, and definitely not because they have nothing else to talk about. He says Fouren has changed since he said “I love you” to her, to which I say A. which time, bish? And B. YEAH DUDE BECAUSE SHE TRUSTS YOU NOW. BECAUSE YOU GAVE HER A SENSE OF SECURITY. Ugh, I am going to murder this man.

He thought he knew what he was gonna do coming from his family date with Becca into his romantic date with Fouren today, but Caroline pegged it exactly right in the studio. The dude doesn’t know what he wants. He thought he had his feelings sorted out, and then another human being stepped into his field of vision, and he fell in love with her instead.

No one is safe. Hide the cameramen. But even after this intense emotional roller coaster and realizing that he wants to propose this second, a think he has ~literally~ already said about Becca, the only thing he’s learned about Fouren is that she has a little speckle in her left eye. But does that stop him from engaging in a bunch of planning-porn with her? Of course it doesn’t. He asks her to imagine their lives together, so he can yurk it later to these hypotheticals. They’re talking about their dogs meeting, and what their day-to-day lives will be like, and at the end, she’s like “I don’t think Arie would have let me tell him all that if he knew he was picking Becca.”

That’s a beautiful story, girl, but as someone who’s been watching this whole season, I bet he would. Bekah M. has been watching too, and this is her face when Chris Harrison tells her on the couch, “this could have been you.”

She very intelligently says that if Arie is this conflicted right now, then he shouldn’t propose, and the crowd clearly agrees. As do I, as should everyone. But the person who really needs to hear that advice is Arie, and if you think he’s gonna hear it from production, you’ve got another think coming. Everybody’s dodging bullets except for Fouren and Becca, and the only people who could’ve made this trainwreck less of a blindside are out here greasing the tracks.

BUT ANYWAY. There’s a final date to go on, and it’s to the fifth wonder of the world, a Peruvian market. And they get to meet the fourth wonders of the world — a few alpacas. These dates are absolutely on the same footing, really well done, everyone. Becca tells the camera that she thinks Fouren is what Arie has dated in the past, and that she and Becca are really different, because the latter would really challenge Arie and demand an equal partnership. And WOW ISN’T IT A RED FLAG THAT HE HAS TWO SUCH DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS LEFT? One of them is easy and silent, and the other one actually requires him to show up and do some work, and Arie? How you feeling?

WHAT A COOL THING TO SAY TO ONE OF THE TWO REMAINING WOMEN THE DAY BEFORE YOU PROPOSE. Specifically, how can you say that to Becca, someone who’s supported you through this entire thing? Even he describes her as a rock, someone who’s confident in herself and her relationship with him. She says she wants to be able to help him through his feelings, too, because this woman is truly wonderful. Becca shows him a scrapbook thing she made, and it jolts him back to thinking she’s the one again. This truly is about to all come down to whoever was the last person Arie saw before the proposal. That’s why he sent Kendall home, because she was his first of three dates, and that’s why he’s about to send Fouren home as well. Oh my good god, I cracked this idiot’s code.

It’s all I can think about as Chris collects advice from previous bad boys Ben Higgins — who told two women he loved them — and Jason Mesnick — who got engaged to one woman and then broke up with her to choose his runner-up. And based on the amount of time remaining in this broadcast, Arie is about to do both. As he looks through Neil Lane jewelry — only Arie could look at engagement rings in front of their designer and not compliment them, btw — he at least has enough of a glimmer of conscience to feel guilty for telling both of these women he’s in love with them, because the hardest breakups are the ones you don’t see coming. And literally none of these three people see a breakup coming. Not even Arie sees a breakup coming, and he’s the one who’s gonna have to instigate it.

Both women are ready to say yes to a proposal, and I can’t believe I’m gonna have to watch this. I feel physically ill. Finally Arie tells the camera that he has clarity on the DAY of his proposal, and Jesus, I need you to take the wheel. Either you take the wheel, or Neil Lane take the shot, because this man is about to ruin the lives of two women and the Monday nights of a nation, and you have the power to stop this. The check douchebag light has been flickering all season, and now it’s solidly on, the crash is imminent, and the douchebag will not inflate. Hold. Onto. Something.

Act III — The Blindside

Without a trace of irony, Arie prepares to break a heart, acknowledging even as he does it that, “I have no real reason to give her” VERY COOL, I LOVE THAT. WHAT A NORMAL THING TO FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH AND BREAKING UP WITH.

Fouren’s spangled, unwitting leg is first out of the car, so she’s the one getting dealt the death blow, as she tells the cameras, “I can’t even imagine him not proposing today.” My heart is racing and my breathing is labored, and her voiceover is throwing all these compliments at him, and I just can’t take it, I’m being murdered. From the very first moment that Fouren steps onto the platform, and Arie’s sad little “hey,” it’s written all over his face that she isn’t the one.

Just from watching his face, it’s so clearly gonna be a no from him, dawgg, but the format of the show is clear, and Fouren has some things to say. He half-heartedly tries to interrupt her with an exhalation, and again with a head shake, but she’s barreling ahead. For once in her life, Fouren is speaking, but it’s all for nought. Everything she just said was met with a single rueful shake of the head and the equivalent of, “sorry, can’t.”

And I hope no one thinks that Fouren is stupid, or at any other point down the line, because I really don’t think she is. I think the girl is in love, and she can’t believe the person who said he was in love with her back just did this. “I’m extremely confused,” she tells him, and then later, “Why did you do that?” He says he’s sorry to put her through what he did, but also says he loves her as he’s saying goodbye. Very cool. Literally Arie, what is your problem. You found this great recipe for making a woman throw her walls back up and deepen her preexisting insecurities about engagement, and you followed it to the letter.

“I feel betrayed,” she says in the car, “How could you do that to someone?” She says she was completely blindsided, and says, “How could you get down on one knee if you weren’t sure until like, three hours ago?” UM, YEAH GIRL, PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.

Well based on this edit, if not Arie’s dry-as-a-bone eyes, I think he probably thinks that too. Or will, by the end of this monster episode. And knowing that Arie’s going to break Becca’s heart now too and end up back with Fouren, I don’t even want to watch the proposal. Anyone watching this episode is watching one breakup, a joyful prelude to another breakup, and then a second breakup. What a joy. Thank you for this Monday night, and thank you for the Tuesday that will come after.

ACT IV — The Proposal

But here we go! Shortest act in the whole grief opera. The proposal. Or the pro-faux-sal, if you will, since we know that literally none of this will last, and all of Becca’s joy will turn to ashes in her mouth. Moments after saying goodbye to Fouren, not a tear in his eye then or ever, Arie greets Becca. And after a season of reading his face, I can tell he’s not excited to see her, he’s excited to propose, and to make Becca happy by proposing. He just wants to tell these women what they want to hear, and that’s always going to be his deal until he does some serious work on himself.

He gets down on one knee like a dry-eyed monster and says a very special sentence to Becca that he has no right to, that I believe she got from her own parent’s marriage. He says he’s choosing her today, and that he’ll choose her every day, but how about we just double down on the first part, since he’s about to throw that second part out the window.

FORESHADOWING. “When are we gonna start having babies?” he nuzzles into Becca’s ear as they pose together with champagne. Yup, that checks out. Proposal under his belt, Arie is already on to the next milestone. He needs that jolt of adrenaline from the next challenge, or your boy is out. This is torture.

But not as torturous as what’s to come, which is the unedited and uncut footage they’ve been pushing this whole time. Like I’m so eager to watch something that’s been untouched by production. Is that something I’ve been asking for this whole time without realizing it? “You know me, I’m obsessed with footage that requires no time or energy from your network.” Yeah right, dude. Call me when you find that bus footage.

ACT V — The Breakup

Months later, amidst footage of these two living their regular, engaged lives, Arie tells the camera that even on his getaways with Becca, he’s thinking about Fouren.

He thinks Becca knows that this is happening — way to foist that responsibility off on her, very cool — and feels like he needs to do something about it. He says it’s hard for him to separate his feelings for each woman, having been in love with Lauren, and he kept expecting the feelings of loss to go away after the breakup, but they haven’t. So basically someone needs to explain to this dude A. the concept of the show and B. the concept of breakups. You aren’t supposed to feel good right away, you dickwad. UGH.

He acknowledges that he told Becca he would choose her every day, but he didn’t mean on days that he didn’t really feel like it, so now he’d like to choose someone else for a while, if that’s okay. He feels like he made a mistake and he wants to call off the engagement with Becca ON CAMERA OF COURSE, JESUS CHRIST, and go ask Fouren for another chance. And like any bad car boy, he told Chris and production before he told Becca.

She’s psyched to hear it, obviously, and mostly greets the news that Arie is still thinking about Lauren with a chorus of ‘are you fucking kidding me’s. It sounds like Arie had been struggling with this to Becca’s face, and she was trying to be understanding and help him cope with it, and maybe even let him talk on the phone with Lauren post-finale, which is what caused this. SO IT REALLY DID COME DOWN TO THE LAST THING IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. I’ve never been so angry to be right.

Arie says he leaned on everyone he could to try to process his heartbreak…but hasn’t it been literally…just a few months? Sure, whatever. He also apparently lied to Becca and said he couldn’t see a future with Lauren. When he literally could, and it’s been all over our screen for months.

Becca says what Bekah said — if you were so conflicted, then you should’ve thought about whether you were ready to get engaged. And in Arie’s case, he clearly wasn’t. Which is made all the more humiliating by the fact that she was trying to help him through it, and that this is on fucking TV. “I don’t know, you have a lot of shit to figure out,” she tells him, hopes he finds what he wants, and then asks him to leave for the first but far from final time.

He wants to talk more, for some sick combination of making good TV and making himself feel better, and god bless Becca, she’s not having it. She says it isn’t going to change anything, which is the mature reaction, but forgive me — I just want to see a full witch come out. Maybe she’s just holding it in for the cameras, but I would be doing hexes on this fool by now. She again asks him to leave, and it seems like she does, and the quiet way she’s crying, out of sight in the bathroom, just breaks my heart. An entire houseful of people, and no one has a hug or a tissue for this woman? Are you kidding me? She’s literally hiccuping with grief, at least kill her mic so she can cry like a human woman instead of being polite.

But then! But then but then but then! The Soulless Wonder comes back down the hall and knocks on the door all casual, literally saying, “Hey are you okay?” NO. NO DUDE I AM NOT. That phrasing is appropriate if you’re in a public restroom and someone’s been in the stall for a minute. It’s not appropriate if your former-fiancée is crying in what she believes to be an empty house, and you are the reason. “Hey, are you okay?” You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Understandably, Becca is like, leave! What are you still doing here? Arie, there’s no more TV in here. Go TV somewhere else. The dude can’t even cry, it’s bananas. And he will. not. leave. Everyone working on this set is complicit in this, because zero people are standing up for Becca. Through their silence, they’re siding with the man who’s able to end his engagement dry-eyed, but still won’t sack up and get out the door, because he feels a little icky and would like help processing.

Becca starts talking to a producer, and Arie walks up again and asks to talk. And she won’t let him touch her, god bless the queen. This breakup is not for you, you idiot. You don’t get to talk just because you want to.

Especially because HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY. Every time she relents and talks to him for a second, he’s just staring at her, reveling in her grief. Who has two dead shark eyes and won’t leave? THIS GUY. “Well, you finally saw me cry,” she mutters under her breath. To which Arie says nothing. NOTHING. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO ANY OF THIS. You suck so fucking bad, dude. Like, he literally can’t even pretend to care for this woman, otherwise he would’ve been out the door MINUTES ago. And don’t even try to touch her dude, I see you considering it. She tells him to leave for the millionth time, and he says okay, and then he just keeps sitting there and looking at her. Do you think we need the B-roll, dude? Are you trying to provide stills? We’re seriously all good on the room tone, bro.

LEAVE. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

He finally does, and Becca doubles over, crying. And back in the studio, because this is torture porn, the real-time Becca just watched that whole thing live with us, and has only one thing to say: “brutal.” The only silver lining is that the audience cheers very long and loud for her, and that she’s using past tense when saying she had feelings for Arie and loved him, and hasn’t heard anything from him since he left.

But Smarm King Chris Harrison announces that because Arie was such a very bad boy, he’s being punished with everything he wants, and an additional full night of television. They’re bringing the three of them back together live tomorrow, and Becca has to sit for it. God I hope they let Caroline sit next to her during this. Or that everyone involved in this decision dies. I’d take either one, but I’ll see you tomorrow, assuming I make it that far.

Fin.

Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.

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