‘The Bachelorette’ Awards: The Most Adorable and Atrocious Moments of Week 1

A strange thing happened last night. I went from never seeing an episode of The Bachelorette in my life, to falling in love. But we’ll get to my soulmate Wells a little later.
If you were like me, you knew the basics: that The Bachelorette is a program where a nice lady who previously appeared on The Bachelor and was wronged on national TV, is given a second chance at love in the form of a bunch of dopey dudes standing around trying to win her affection. But let me tell you, it only takes one episode of this show to make you realize, America is already great.
If you were unlike me and have watched every moment of this genius franchise, ooh boy is this season gonna be a doozy! WOW. What a show. This season kicked off with a two-hour display of awkwardness like I’ve never seen before, and I’ve seen almost every Michael Cera movie available.
So to honor The Bachelorette bros, it’s only acceptable that we acknowledge them in a way America loves to do: with awards. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Bachelorette Awards, Week 1. I’m going to listen to my gut and get started.

The “You Look Great, Girl!” Award goes to: JoJo Fletcher, The Bachelorette herself. I don’t understand the unicorn head from last season, but also, I don’t want to know. Besides that, she rocked denim on denim better than Jay Leno ever has, she slayed the obligatory bikini shot right at the top of the show, and that welcome dress? YAS. If we’ve learned anything from Britney Spears, it’s that a nude sparkly number always does the trick. The dress was so good, it made me forget about that kimono, flowy-sleeved romper she wore to get advice from previous Bachelorettes. Great job, JoJo.
The “Is It Hot In Here?” Award goes to: Fireman Grant, because yes, he made it hot in here. He brought up Ben the second he stepped out of the limo, which, why, but if he can just stand there and look nice, we’ll be all set.

The “Go Inside, It’s Raining” Award goes to: Jordan. We immediately learn the former football player has always been in the shadows of current football player, his older brother Aaron Rodgers. Right away, this dude is getting a lot of screen time so you know he’s in it for the long haul. He’s a guy that likes to wear jeans that are too tight, but he’s hot and I get it. Did we need an entire segment of him walking around in the rain holding a football and looking sad? Probably not. Be you, Jordan, but like, go inside. It’s not even sexy rain.
One he arrived at the house, he had a nice chat with JoJo but couldn’t come through with a kiss, so he made up his own version of “Can I borrow her?”, with “Can I interrupt a little bit?” and finally found the courage to plant what looked like kind of a gross kiss on her. Oh well, we’re gonna have to be subjected to many more of those.
The “Give It a Minute” Award goes to: Alex. He declared he wanted to fall in love with JoJo overnight and it’s like, just wait a day, bro. He looked hot in his military uniform and the fact that he has a twin just amuses me, but he was SO nervous arriving at the house. Everything will be ok, Alex, just keep telling yourself that.
The “Just, No” Award goes to: James S. If you remember, his occupation is “Bachelor Superfan” and just right away, he’s so, so wrong. Just, no.

The “OMG Please Brush Your Hair Out of Your Face and Go Home Immediately” Award goes to: Evan. Every single thing about this guy is the worst. He gets creepier by the second. Everything from the staged fake patient for him to pretend to “consult” at his erectile dysfunction job, to his “God Bless America” as he stepped out of the limo was terrible. Not one redeeming moment from this dude. Yuck.
The “Please Have Some Chill” Award goes to: Ali. I knew this dude was going to be too much. He wore a V-neck in his profile picture that just said everything you need to know about him. He seems sweet enough but he has these really intense stares that aren’t sexy and he bangs on a piano in a way that would make Billy Joel say, “Hey, can you take it down a notch?” He did call JoJo “breathtaking” and that was really nice of him. But just a couple deep breaths will make a world of difference for you, Ali.
The “Too Much Working Out” Award goes to: Christian. We get it, you’re swole.

The “Please Step Away From The Barn” Award goes to: Luke. Ok, Luke is already the man I want to win. Will he? No, because I think he might actually be kind of nice. But here’s the thing: there’s a lot of cowboy stuff going on with him and that’s great that that’s his life but when you get his ass in a suit, it’s like everything makes sense in the world. Step away from the barn and do not listen to the producers when they tell you to lean up against it with one foot on it while you look pensive. That’s not for you, Luke. We know, you like the cows and you brought her the boots, and Texas. Very aware.
This guy did make the bold decision to ride in on a horse, sorry, UNICORN. Gimmicky, yes? Did it work? Sigh. Yes. You know it did. On JoJo, and me. Luke is in it to win it.

The “Don’t Get Too Attached To This Guy” Award goes to: Derek. Uh, we didn’t even get to see what his life is like, if he hangs out with animals or works out or has family members or weird hobbies? He just shows up at the house, gets a “He was sweet” from JoJo, and later tells her he’s secretly a “nerd.” It will be a shame we don’t get to look at your face for longer, Derek.
The “Will, You Are a Fucking Idiot” Award goes to: Haha what if it didn’t go to Will though? Of course it goes to him, no one even came close to how hard this guy earned a thumbs down emoji. He dropped his notecards when he got out of the limo and I still have no idea if it was part of a way-too-elaborate joke or if he’s just a total clown.


The “Hope You Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends” Award goes to: Chad. The house is going to HATE this guy. He’s hot, I get it, and he was made for reality TV. Get used to saying the word “Chad” a lot. It’s happening whether we like it or not.
The “Damn Daniel, You Gotta Stop Making Damn Daniel Jokes” Award goes to: Daniel. You owe Canada an apology. Drake and Justin Trudeau and Avril Lavigne are all pretty great, but this Canuck is messing it up with the help of a stale meme. He made this joke a countless amount of times, and while maybe one can fly when he got a first look at JoJo, that’s it. This is also the guy that stripped down to his black briefs after a couple of drinks, and decided to poke Evan in the bellybutton, eliciting the greatest line ever muttered on TV, “Dude, you can’t poke me in the bellybutton.” Thank you for that, and literally nothing else.
The “Put Some Respect On Your Own Name” Award goes to: James Taylor. Dear God. Busting out of the limo playing guitar was a little much. At least wait to get inside to be that guy at the party.

The “Congrats on Turning Every Man Into a Petty Bitch” Award goes to: Jonathan. Homeboy showed up wearing a kilt and every single dude in that house lost their shit. They were immediately judgemental and mean and intimidated and worried about the realization that they weren’t special in any way. It was beautiful. I mean, Jonathan made a terrible joke about being Scottish on the bottom, or something? JoJo did us the disservice of asking him what that meant, but he didn’t even know, really. Freaking all the guys out was a nice moment though.

The “You Ruined Christmas” Award goes to: Ugh, Nick. The kilt is one thing, it makes a mark. But a Santa suit? And only for the chance to make a “Jo Jo Jo” joke? Nope. The best/worst part about this, is that all the dudes were on board with it! I would rather face an army of drunk Santa Con-ers than this one dumb dumb.
Nick later changed into a suit and was the guy that did a spilt when he went up to accept his rose. Gross.

The “Please Marry Me ASAP” Award goes to: Wells. I’ve been on #TeamWells since the second I laid eyes on him. But I can’t wait for him to exit this show and move to New York City where we will live happily ever after. (Just a reminder, I’ve only seen one episode of this show and already this is the affect it’s having on me.) He pops out of the limo looking adorable AF and then 4 nicely dressed gentlemen follow him and…wait…what is happening. Oh, this radio DJ came equipped with live music and R&B group All-4-One start singing one of their most romantic songs imaginable. If you were paying close attention later in the show, you would notice Wells also had fun, fancy socks on. Wells, I would give you an entire rose farm if I could. (Do roses grow on farms?) He’s a nice dude so JoJo kept him around for now, she’s no dummy, but she’s clearly not as enamored as I am.
The “Oh, You’re Totally a Close Talker” Award goes to: Coley. I hate this dude’s face. And I hate that he was putting it in such close proximity of JoJo’s with no intention of a kiss. Back up, bro.
The “Wait, Why Are You Here Though?” Award goes to: Jake Pavelka. No really. Why? You didn’t even bring real advice. She’s got this, we don’t need you here. I mean, the looks on the dudes faces were almost worth it I guess. Threatened much, fellas?

The “Best Commercial of the Night” Award goes to: The trailer for Bridget Jones’s Baby looks amazing!
The “You’re Just Barely Worth Mentioning” Award goes to: James F. had a terrible line about roses, Robby brought a bottle of wine, Sal brought blue balls of every variety you can imagine, and someone was making unrelenting, terrible mustache jokes.
JoJo made some really right choices (Luke, Jordan, a few others) and some really wrong choices (Evan, Will, Brandon, James F., Nick, Daniel) in her rose ceremony. But she looked great doing it. All the typical things happened in that house already: she sat on some dude’s back while he did pushups, there was a random boxing lesson, a lot of dudes got drunk, and then Daniel poked Evan’s bellybutton. The usual. And this is just the beginning. I look forward to doling out many more awards along JoJo’s journey for love.
Wells, will you marry me?
[Watch The Bachelorette on Hulu]