‘Orange Is the New Black’ Recap, Season 3, Episode 8: Fear And Loathing in Litchfield

#OrangeHeads, we’re more than halfway through with the season, and quite frankly, I’m ready to call it a wrap. I legit care about none of the story lines. Lolly might be trying to kill Vause, but Vause is probably going to survive (Laura Prepon tried to dip out on the show before, but realized where her bread is buttered, so I don’t see her leaving anytime soon; ergo, her character ain’t getting killed). Piper is forging ahead with this dirty panty business, which is amusing, but ultimately, where is this development going to go? Is she really going to be the queen of stanky drawers? And Daya is still 8,000 months pregnant and living that Dashboard Confessional emo life. Enough with the pouting! Anyway, as you can see, I have reached my limit, thanks in no small part to “Fear, and Other Smells,” which was a lackluster episode. Maybe I’m wrong, and if I am, I’m sure you’ll tell me so. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The main story of this episode, as I alluded to above, has to do with Vause’s mounting suspicions regarding Lolly. So we get the flashback treatment, which is by far the weakest flashback of the entire series. We already knew that Vause’s mom had passed away and Piper didn’t go to the funeral and that Kubra is very, very powerful man with lots of reach, so I’m not quite sure why we rehashed that information when nothing new was going to be gleaned from it other than to show that the guy has connections — as if in the present, we would all of sudden doubt Kubra’s prowess. We have no reason not to believe that he could get Lolly to try and take Vause out. Therefore: that flashback about him being powerful and having people murdered could have come in the form of a 30-second GChat instead of 20 minutes of action, and it absolutely makes zero sense that Piper is not taking Vause’s concerns seriously at all. I get that Piper is self-involved, but if the love of your life tells you they suspect that their former boss, who has a penchant for killing people, might have designs on kill your bae, you would not react the way I do when someone tells me to stop being a life-long iPhone user and switch to Samsung:

Instead you would be like this:

And get ready to fight me: Vause has not been developed enough as a character to make me worry for her safety. Whereas when Vee threatened Poussey last season, I was concerned because Poussey had been established enough. With Vause, I’m like, “OK, you were gone most of last season and now you want me to have all the feels? I. Don’t. Think. So.” She can die or live. Who cares? Harsh? Totally. The truth? Definitely.

Another character the show doesn’t seem to know what do with? Crazy Eyes. After everyone pretty much thinks the screws in her brains are too loose that even Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor couldn’t tighten them, the inmates are suddenly blown away by her weird erotic fiction. Look, I get this is supposed to be comedic, but, the fiction writing comes across like the writers simply don’t know what do with her character, which is a bummer because I was really interested in seeing Crazy Eyes rediscover who she is now that Vee is gone. I mean, she basically spent some episodes bugging out and then is now practically writing a erotic book? How the hell did we get here? And how can we leave here? (I know, she started writing because she was encouraged to do so, but it still feels like a slight plot).

Other developments include Sophia and Gloria struggling with being parents to their respective teenage sons. Not only does this storyline gives these ladies ample screen time, but I think it touches on a difficult reality of how a parent being in jail is extremely damaging to their children. Both Michael and Benny are full of attitude and getting in trouble at school, and as much as Sophia and Gloria try to put their foot down, they can’t. They are miles and miles away and every minute they are not with their kids feeds the resentment their sons have for them. So far, the show has handled this beautifully as this struggle never veers towards the maudlin. Kudos!

Speaking of tough deals: Daya, a soon-to-be-mom, makes the tough decision and tells Mrs. Powell that Pornstache is not the father of her baby. Finally! Daya knows that it doesn’t matter whether someone grows up wealthy or poor; he or she can still end up in prison if the love isn’t there. (I mean, look at Piper.) Daya shipping her baby off to a rich person solely because said person is rich is a recipe for disaster. Will her kid ending up in foster care if none of Daya’s relatives can take care of the baby? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Finally, as I stated at the beginning of this recap, there is the matter of Piper’s panty business. She manages to get some of the girls on board to wear the panties in exchange for ramen flavoring packets to perk up the slop the inmates are forced to eat in prison. Also, this business is bringing her and Stella (Ruby Rose) closer:

I refuse to pretend like their flirtationship is legitimate or interesting. Furthermore, it makes no sense that Piper is into her. Yes, Stella is good looking, but, again, Vause is supposed to be bae. If someone is bae, you do not fall for any old heaux with Angelina Jolie/black lady lips. Someone please call me when this garbage story line is over, thanks!

Phoebe Robinson is a stand-up comic and writer who’s been on Late Night with Seth Meyers, is a consultant for Broad City, and whose debut book, You Can’t Touch My Hair, comes out Fall 2016. Her website is blaria.com.

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Photos: Netflix